I Object!

TSA has been a nightmare ever since 9/11. Not only has going to the airport become more stressful and invasive, but it’s also become outrageously time-consuming and annoying. After all, between removing your shoes, taking off your belt, shedding your jacket, unbuckling your watch, dissecting your carry-ons, and offering your body to be poked and prodded if you have the bad luck to randomly ring or set off an alarm, it’s easy to forget key pieces of clothing and even a computer if you’re in a hurry.

            On that note, it’s smart to ‘streamline’ your outfit and baggage as best you can. However, on a recent flight home, my parents and I forgot to follow our own advice. And so, dear reader, this is what happens when you try to bring a mallet through security.

            My family and I have grown up with an appreciation for art and antiquities. Therefore, it was only natural to go antiquing on our family vacation. However, apparently it’s not natural to want to bring those antiques with you into a public airport…

      My mother and I were being polite, docile citizens, removing our shoes and stuffing computers and jackets alike into monotonous, dirty TSA bins to be screened. And all our bags almost made it through—almost.

     It seems that our national security agencies don’t think that we’re entitled to bring “forbidden tools” aboard an aircraft. And, yes, “forbidden tools” include what one TSA worker described as our “relatively primitive—compared to most things—prohibited tool”. AKA: our deeply illegal item was a 200-year-old mallet/hammer.

     In the interest of being fair, I must admit that it is quite tempting to commit acts of violence with such a hammer. After all, who wouldn’t take the opportunity to clog an annoying fellow passenger in the head with a cracked, slightly decomposed, and relatively retired “tool” if they were on an airplane? It does seem logical for someone who spent both time and money to damage a historical artifact in the interest of knocking a moron unconscious, does it not? (Okay, I’ll admit it; the idiot in this case may or may not be a certain TSA assistant…)

     So we see how I, my parents, and our trusty disintegrating hammer constitute a valid security threat to the air passengers of this nation. I get it. But I don’t get why the airline thinks we would actually capitalize on that ability (it’s not like our ninja skills are that refined!).

     It’s also fascinating to note how an agent of theoretical legal justice can become a means to almost get arrested.

     This isn’t a post about the effects of terrorism or fear or impatience, because you know many of those already. This is just a post reminding you to pack light, and never carry a valuable antique mallet on an airplane with you! And also, if you choose, this is a reminder that sometimes, even the most well-intentioned and innocent thing can become a burden if we aren’t careful.