The Art of Apologizing

           People say that technology is the mark of a mature civilization. The efficiency and relevance of how and why people use technology in their daily lives can help indicate the age, influence, and even the staying power of a society. Historians, researchers, and anthropologists (among others) often state that the rate of technological advancement and the way that technology is interwoven with the other fabrics of a culture can tell an observer much more about a people than any interview ever could. This statement has been proven true numerous times. However, I do not believe that technology alone is the mark of a mature civilization.

            Maybe sometime in the past century as the modern world became consciously obsessed with invention and creation, our values became skewed until we learned to over-appreciate technology. I do not say this to spite the dozens of software, computer, cell phone, and pharmaceutical companies that I—along with probably the majority of the world—have come to respect, adore, and rely on. I say this to point out that as a side effect of the importance of all things technological, we have (as a nation and even as a global community) come to forget the powerful and necessary things that are equally important to technology.

            This is what I mean when I say I believe that the mark of a mature civilization is the art of apology.

            If one can balance technological power with moral decency and political maturity, then the art of true and meaningful apology can be realized. This, however, is quite difficult (so far in terms of records nearly impossible) to do without conscious and careful thought and preparation.

            In this day and age, it is imperative to recognize how scattered and interwoven our world is. Thanks to the Internet, Middle Eastern protests, and even local trends and ideas, our world has become much more new and inventive. One might even be able to comment that it is (or is becoming) a sort of “hybrid” world, where bits and pieces of identity and culture from different places can be joined to create one new and multi-faceted entity. This linked world unites Asian cuisine and Los Angeles dieticians to create popular new diets. This linked world enables global superpowers to pioneer new forms of energy that were discovered in small rural laboratories and universities.  This linked world joins billions of people (including you, dear reader) together through mutual interests, acquaintances, and needs via a marvelous invention called the Internet.

            This linked world does many things, but it still has one link missing: the link between improvement and conscience; the link between what some people refer to as our scientific side and our religious (or moral) side. If we have this link, then the art of apologizing would be perfected and we could truly consider ourselves to be living in a mature civilization. After all, if a civilization has technological advancement but does not understand how to utilize those advancements appropriately, what good are those inventions in the long run? If leaders in our world today were able to simply apologize for and comprehend the fundamental meanings and motives of their actions, perhaps the innumerable conflicts that pepper the papers today would dissolve into mere acknowledgements of a misguided intent—and nothing more. (nothing more means no Cold War, no proxy war, no sneaky “economic” war (ie sanctions), no furtive glances and hurried whispers, no hazing, and fewer broken marriages)

So it is easy—idyllically speaking—to envision a world where this is plausible. It is a little more difficult to see our interwoven world as so broken and fractured, but in many cases it is—although unintentionally. This gap occurs simply because there is disconnect between the right way to do something complicated and the immediate efficiency of doing so. Looking at it this way may help bridge the gap:

We have community service organizations and volunteers. We have scientific geniuses and life-saving or life-changing contributions to society. We even have one remarkable bridge between the scientific and the moral: the advent of the outrageously popular “American Yoga”! I consider this something that perfectly blends the scientific and the spiritual because, as practiced in America (and by American I mean the pop-culture America that re-discovered yoga about 5 years ago), yoga is considered to be good for a balanced body and mind—and is backed by both physical and scientific observations corroborating this statement.

            So, simply put, the world needs more yoga.

            But this disconnect transcends more than just the social and cultural networks of the world today; it’s something that is also echoed in politics, intimidation, and global conflict.

            But the important question is: how can we change this vicious cycle? This conflicts and stand-offs are piling up. Here is an example: Country X dislikes Country Y. Three civilians from Country Y break international law in Country X and are publicly arrested. Country X prevents press from Country Y from reporting on the matter, and only allows a political newspaper to publish information regarding the three civilians. Country Y demands that their citizens are returned. Country X refuses and holds them in prison for seven years, during which numerous conflicts over economic manipulation, oil trade, and visas emerge and grow until one of the civilians is found guilty of murder and executed and the other two are returned to Country Y heavily abused.

             As extreme as this situation is, you can clearly see how easily it can escalate into something larger than a mere argument regarding citizenship and laws. And this is something that happens ALL THE TIME. So often, in fact, that many times newspapers don’t even bother reporting it.

            But here’s where to ask our question; how could this have ended differently if Country Y had apologized for the poor behavior of its citizens and Country X had relinquished custody? Since this is a “hypothetical” situation, I will predict the results:

            Country X would have held court proceedings and found the suspects guilty (because they just would).

            Country X would hold the civilians in custody for anywhere from 2 days to 1 month.

            Country Y would send a diplomat to carefully discuss matters other than the law-breakers, and then vigilantly and formally apologize to the press while refusing to internationally release any information of the treatment of those civilians until after the case was finished.

            Country X would ask for a more favorable trade agreement.

            Country Y would politely decline, and settle for something only slightly more favorable than their previous agreement.

            THE BUMP WOULD BE SMOOTHED OVER.

            The important thing to know about apologizing is that it’s not weak or silly. In fact, it takes a very self-confident person to be able to apologize and admit to doing something wrong or for the wrong reasons. On a global political scale, the use of apology as a diplomatic tool could be invaluable. If sincere, it would:

1.     Show that any offense caused was unintentional or corrected.

2.     Show that the country who offended in the first place truly understands what exactly they did and why they do not agree with it.

3.     Show respect for the offended country.

4.     Even out the playing ground. If everyone can deserve an apology, then a mutual sense of respect that is lacking in the world today could be re-established. After all, is it not terribly tempting (at times) to do something that will earn you attention when you know that you’d never be noticed otherwise? The same thing can occur on the international stage. But if it is established that you can be positively recognized for publicly agreeing on things that countries should agree on anyways (the right to life, protection of their own people, developments and improvements, etc.), then the need to create a global and local identity that can feed off of relatively petty and immature debates disappears.

            The use of the apology could save governments trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and global reputation. The use of the apology could save people worry, stress, fear, anxiety, shame, humiliation, envy, and insecurity. The use of the apology could give the world a plethora of appropriate second chances and hope.

            Would this not be a better world?

            I know that everyone and every country has its differences and its own values and cares. But I also know that when you boil it down, every organization, government, and individual wants some variation of the same thing.

            A meditation I did once said that everyone wants the same four things out of life and relationships. Each of the four is more difficult to achieve and share in than the previous one, but is much more meaningful and closer to our truest desires as human beings. The first desire is attention. Everyone wants to be noticed and acknowledged to solidify one’s presence and relevance. The second desire is affection. We each want to be loved and cosseted, to feel special and important. The third desire is appreciation. Everyone wants their contributions to be recognized and to be seen as a valuable and intrinsic part of any community. The fourth and final desire is acceptance. Acceptance can be extremely difficult to truly gain; in fact, “tolerance” is often used in our society when we could really push ourselves to try acceptance—which is much more interpersonal—instead.  

            We can convince ourselves that we have acceptance when we really only have attention, affection, or appreciation. The meditation I completed urges one to understand one’s wants and desires and to pursue and give freely of them in their purest state.

            I know that it is difficult for a country and a community of 7 billion people to pursue this all at once, and I know it’s selfish and idyllic to think that they could. But I do. It will just take time (hopefully less rather than more of it). However, we can help start this chain reaction that just might save, improve, and empower lives.

            Try apologizing, just once. Don’t do it halfway. Do it all the way—with open eyes and an open heart because you know that what you’re doing is worthy of that risk and sincerity... Because what helps to make a mature person can help make a mature civilization—one that can be better because of you. Apologizing isn't easy, and it's not even always necessary. But it does have true meaning, and that is what makes it an art.