Holding Your Liquor: A Blog Post in Honor of Going to College

For the young pre-collegiate and freshmen population out there, this sweet warning tale is for you.

Every day at my middle school, I would stop by one of the administrators' offices during lunch to pet his dog, Hans. Hans was the most adorable of little dogs, considering that, as an aging wiener dog, his little legs barely lifted his tummy above the ground and the mole that grew above his eyebrow looked remarkably like a black jelly bean, and, of course, he was incredibly affectionate.

One day, the dog's owner told me about how very entertaining Hans had been a few weeks before. It was the holiday season, and Hans' owner, whom I knew, and his partner, had left home for an evening to go to a party with friends. That day, they'd been given a package of chocolates that were infused with various liquors, and each chocolate had a different-colored wrapper depending on if it contained rum, whiskey, vodka, scotch, etc. Unlike most liquor-infused chocolates, however, these ones had an exceptionally high liquor content (and, I assume, the blue, green, red, etc wrappers were most certainly exceptionally pretty). 

The administrator and his partner returned home from a holiday party late that night, only to find a lovely array of blue, red, green, gold, and purple wrappers all over the floor of their living room. They exchanged a humorous and slightly doomed glance; Hans had discovered--and opened--the chocolates! Then, a few feet away tottered the culprit himself, gazing blankly around the two men in amused, disoriented circles, and spinning and walking in little circles all over the room. Hans paused for a moment and took in the dizzying sight of his owners. Then he made one more happy circle, looked at the ceiling, snorted, and plopped onto the ground. The dog happily wagged his tail at his owners and passed out. 

Apparently, 10-pound Hans didn't hold his liquor--or his chocolate--very well!

Unless you are a wiener dog or have something you would like to tell all of us, don't do this. Don't be a Hans. You can't pull off the passing out quite as well..