Holding Your Liquor: A Blog Post in Honor of Going to College

For the young pre-collegiate and freshmen population out there, this sweet warning tale is for you.

Every day at my middle school, I would stop by one of the administrators' offices during lunch to pet his dog, Hans. Hans was the most adorable of little dogs, considering that, as an aging wiener dog, his little legs barely lifted his tummy above the ground and the mole that grew above his eyebrow looked remarkably like a black jelly bean, and, of course, he was incredibly affectionate.

One day, the dog's owner told me about how very entertaining Hans had been a few weeks before. It was the holiday season, and Hans' owner, whom I knew, and his partner, had left home for an evening to go to a party with friends. That day, they'd been given a package of chocolates that were infused with various liquors, and each chocolate had a different-colored wrapper depending on if it contained rum, whiskey, vodka, scotch, etc. Unlike most liquor-infused chocolates, however, these ones had an exceptionally high liquor content (and, I assume, the blue, green, red, etc wrappers were most certainly exceptionally pretty). 

The administrator and his partner returned home from a holiday party late that night, only to find a lovely array of blue, red, green, gold, and purple wrappers all over the floor of their living room. They exchanged a humorous and slightly doomed glance; Hans had discovered--and opened--the chocolates! Then, a few feet away tottered the culprit himself, gazing blankly around the two men in amused, disoriented circles, and spinning and walking in little circles all over the room. Hans paused for a moment and took in the dizzying sight of his owners. Then he made one more happy circle, looked at the ceiling, snorted, and plopped onto the ground. The dog happily wagged his tail at his owners and passed out. 

Apparently, 10-pound Hans didn't hold his liquor--or his chocolate--very well!

Unless you are a wiener dog or have something you would like to tell all of us, don't do this. Don't be a Hans. You can't pull off the passing out quite as well..

How to be as Distracted as Possible: A Manual

As fall comes around again and everyone's various school years, work calendars, and project schedules begin to kick into gear, one might notice skyrocketing stress levels and plummeting productivity capacities (because, let's face it, being able to beat four levels of your favorite video game in one hour isn't actually real-world productivity). These two issues are symptoms of one master illness--the catastrophically contagious, horridly hard-to-beat Distractedness Influenza. Yes, ladies and gentlemen; we are succumbing to that catching common cold-turned-virus, and this post is to help you learn how to stave it off and become less distracted than ever--without losing your creativity in the process. 

First, we must acknowledge that in order to overcome the enemy, we must first understand what the enemy is like--how it sneaks up on us, how we are vulnerable to it, and where its weaknesses lie. After all, you know what they say; if you can't beat them, join them. Thus, here is your very own manual entitled How to be as Distracted as Possible. If you follow all the advice in this post, you should turn into as distracted a person as possible within a few hours. For an insider's view into the mind of a distracted person, read on...

How to be as Distracted as Possible

Don't Ever Keep a List

If you do not keep a list, you will be able to ensure that any thought that pops into your head deserves your attention immediately, effectively stealing your mind from whatever it is doing and making you think about what you ought, or ought not, to be doing instead. No lists now means no organized plan later, guaranteeing you a disoriented period of time in which to become distracted after the completion of each and every task in your day. This pause of wasted time gives you ample opportunity for distraction after your completed activity--which, of course, was completed in a very distracted state of mind because your thoughts were jumping from item to item that it ought to remember. Furthermore, if you do not keep a list (or, heaven forbid, several..), you will most likely be able to distract yourself from one task by dropping it and jumping into another task the instant you remember to do it. For example, if you faithfully restrain from keeping any sort of list, you will begin to notice a buildup of half-finished chores, tasks, and projects. With pride, you will note a growing  accumulation of half-scrubbed dishes, partially packed suitcases, unfinished packets, and widowed shoes and socks who have found themselves suddenly missing their other halves. 

Make Sure That You Leave Things Unfinished. Alway--

Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot stress the importance of this suggestion strongly enough. So I will do my very best to boil it down for you. If you finish things, how on earth do you expect them to come haunt you from the Completed Items grave and distract you from things that you actually need to be doing?? Please don't fall into this trap. Don't ever finish anything. That way, you give every nagging to-do on your list the ability to provide you with unlimited, infinite, endless…(I shall leave this list of adjectives unfinished, for I most certainly practice what I preach) distraction! And just in case you think that you might have some difficulty finding things to not finish, here are some suggestions--just the bare bones--that you really ought to make sure you never ever finish. To join the ranks of highly distracted people out in the world, pick up these non-closure-encouraging habits. 

1). Never end or temporarily stop texting, Facebooking, gChating, IMing, Skyping, or any other kind of messaging while you are trying to get something done, much less close these windows on your computer/ phone! That way, you can enable every trivial comment, update, and status change to fully distract you from your work.

2). If you have started a task, don't see it through to the end. Be sure to always stop halfway, partway, or most of the way through. For example, if you are putting away laundry, only put away one color of shorts at a time, and be sure to take several-day-long breaks in between organizing each pile.

3). If you are close to finishing a task or achieving a goal, do whatever possible to prevent yourself from actually achieving it. You can easily practice perfecting this art by never finishing a book. Leave three pages at the end of every book that you read, making sure to keep all books out (and NEVER put away) until you finish them (which you won't). This way, not only will you sporadically wonder what actually happens at the end of all those books, but you will spot them lying on the floor/desk/chair/bed/table and immediately become distracted by your unfinished business. Magic!

Be Certain to Always be Waiting on Someone Else

If you are reliant upon someone else to think of you and work you into his or her schedule, you are sure to be constantly distracted! Not only will he or she keep you constantly guessing as to when you will receive some sort of notification or important, pressing information, but his or her potential tardiness in giving you this sort of attention will provide a perfect, torturous distraction. After all, if you are capable of controlling your own schedule and never have to wait on anyone else, how are you supposed to get all delayed and distracted? So there you go! Always be sure that the things you need must come from other people. Never be self-sufficient or capable of getting things for yourself. And if you think that it might be possible to procure your own resources, find a different method of attaining those resources that involves at least one (hopefully unreliable) other person. That way, your days and weeks and months will be chalk full of waiting, wondering, and happy futility :) . Remember that you can wait on someone else for all sorts of things--attention, a message, emotional support, or even critical information. Most importantly, however, know that you can also wait on other people to make your decisions for you, effectively securing a huge holdup in your schedule whenever crucial decisions must be made, and also putting you at the mercy of someone else's decision-making skills, despite the fact that this person might not know you quite as well as he or she thinks he or she does. This way, you can allow others to distract you as you wait for services, items, and decisions!

Never Ever Let Yourself Have Confidence in What You're Doing

Self doubt and a lack of self confidence are absolutely key for this final step. If you believe in what you're doing, it will be far too easy for you to focus and key in on what's important to you. Therefore, constantly remind yourself that this personal sense of conviction in your beliefs and values is entirely worthless and irrelevant if you desire success or happiness. Allow others to sway you from your opinions with snide comments, ridiculous insults, and irrelevant, inaccurate statements. That way, you will be easily distractible whenever you begin doing something that actually matters to you! Don't forget that you are always wrong. Thus, allow others to distract you from your original path without much resistance from you--and you'll be the single most distractible, sway-able person on the globe!

So there it is, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that you take this pieces of advice to heart to become the wonderfully distracted individuals that I know you all have the innate potential to become! Or, if this lifestyle seems slightly repulsive, or at least constrictive to you, I recommend altering (or maybe even reversing) some aspects of this free distraction consultation. But only if you need an extra little distraction from your busy schedules!

First World Problems: I

Dear Reader,

Do you ever feel that you are plagued by what is simply the most terrible and distressing of all problems? For example, are you ever bombarded with too many Facebook messages to respond to all at once, or do you return from the grocery store only to realize that you have purchased 1% milk instead of the skim milk with added Vitamin D that you'd counted on for your daily chocolate milk?
If you ever feel this way, reader, then you have come to the right place to talk about any and all sorts of these terribly catastrophic and earth shattering FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

This series of blog posts will be intermittent and last for quite a while, as I can imagine that you, me, and everybody's dog most certainly has had his or her fair share of such traumatic-yet-fabulously-not-that-important challenges.

Example One: The Job Search
My friend is currently a rising junior at a prestigious business program at a very well-known university. Upon securing a highly coveted summer internship for his sophomore summer, he easily completed the internship, finding himself surprisingly unchallenged by the "challenging" itineraries created by the company. This company is one of the top three companies in its field and is internationally respected and hired by other companies. My friend, however, is slightly panicked. He has been given a job offer by this company, you see (Repeat: he has been offered a job by a company that business school grads would die to secure). But this news is more disturbing and worrisome than joyous, because my friend isn't sure if he wants to spend the rest of his life working at this company.

First World Problem in a Nutshell: my friend unintentionally over-performed at his crazy-hard-to-get summer internship, so he is now being molested by a company that is trying oh-so-hard to hire him as soon as legally possible. Poor baby. On the bright side, my friend has managed to achieve the collegiate dream of ensuring employment prospects after college!